Trip to the Doctor's Office.

Okay, I don't care anymore, I'm just going to tell you. I have itchy toes.
It's not athlete's foot or any fungus.
It's not exczema maybe?

I went to the doctor's office today. I sat the prerequisite 4.5 hours in the waiting room with the 3 bored children who whine every time another person gets called who isn't them and the jovial old man with the knee replacement. There was also the family with "bites or rashes" who were from another province and didn't have their health care cards or know their numbers, and their 18 year old had to ask his mom what their address was. Oh, and the one sad girl with the mask who couldn't stop coughing and looking miserable.

I went in with a cheery disposition and a good book. I read to page 57 in Michael Ondaatje's book Divisadero and tried to breathe shallowly through my nose.

('Shallowly' is a word? wow. Will wonders never cease?)

Finally they called my name.

The nurse? Admin assistant? Anyway the woman in pink scrubs who fills out the chart came in and was all "what's wrong with you?"

I said "oh, I don't know, I have some kind of rash? or something? on my toes."

She was like "okay, well, let me just stick this thing in your ear"

So she took my ear temperature for some reason and left. I sat there for another ten minutes rehearsing my lines. I always have to know exactly the wording I'm going to use before I talk to strangers, especially when there is something important I want to communicate.

So I decided on just talking loudly and being friendly and being nonchalant about it. Which worked because I got old doctor Chan again. Mister doctor Chan is the least professional doctor I have ever met.

Last time I saw him it was for a lady issue we won't get into here, but let me just say these four words to you:

self-serve vaginal swab.

You're welcome.

Anyway so this time it was like this:

Him: Hi, do you have the swine flu?

Me: Nope!

Him: (reading chart) Ah, but you do have swine toe rash flu!

Me: ha ha ? Yeah, I don't know, it's just, like, itchy.

Him: Let's see.

(I slide off my shoes)

Him: Well...that's weird.

Me: uh?

Him: I've never seen that before. Have you been to Mexico?

Me: Uh, yeah but like...years ago. I actually looked this up on the internet and I thought it kind of looked like eczema?

Him: Ah, so you have eczema then!

Me: Well, I don't know! I just thought maybe...like...it kind of looks like...

Him: (Looking at the panther head tattoo I have on my foot)Is that tattoo new?

Me: No.

Him: Are you sure? Maybe you have the Felix the cat flu!

Me: ha...ha?...I don't know...?

Him: Bla bla bla medical things and questions

Me: Bla bla bla medical answers and questions

Him: Well, try this and this (writes things on paper)

Me: Okay, do I have to get those over the counter?

Him: Well, you know it's just medicated lotion something something about wearing sandals? or something (I spaced out for a while while he was talking)

Me: And so I just...

Him: Yeah, you know, I have no idea what's wrong with you but just try this for a couple weeks. We'll say two weeks. And then if it doesn't work then I'll refer you to a dermatologist.

Me: Two weeks. Got it.

Him: Yeah, because you know what they say about dermatology!

Me: No?

Him: The patient...uh...no, wait. Um. You get results some times but the patient... uh. Well it takes a long time. You know.

Me: Sure.

Him: Okay well, have a nice day!

Me: Yep.

Attached to the doctor's office is a tiny run-down pharmacy. Last time I was there half of the shelves were empty and from what I could see in the low flickering light of the dying fluorescent light the ceiling was caving in a bit.

I walked over there and was shocked! They had somehow changed it into a gigantic new shiny sparkly pharmacy!

I went to the counter and the woman asked me if I had ever been there before. And I had no idea if I had or not.

"Did it used to look completely different?" I asked

I came home and showered all the germs away and here I am getting ready for the day with snacks and 17 tons of homework.

Although with the rainy weather and the time-change it feels like it's bedtime when I look outside. It's 3:02pm.

Maybe I'll have a nap first.